CFC Blog #168: On Gratitude...
Back in November, I had asked Maria to share one thing she was grateful for from the past year. She responded with a much deeper thought and shared some very personal experiences. I am excited to now share it with you all as well. Maria inspires me to be more self-reflective and to find greater peace from within, being conscious of my surroundings let not allowing them to disturb what's inside. I think this idea helps me be more present, aware, and even spiritual. Thank you for your authenticity and for your growth mindset Maria, as always!
- Amanda
On Gratitude...
2019 was a difficult year because I worked very long hours, every day, all year. I barely had time to be ‘me’. But funny enough, when I think about what I am grateful for in 2019, and of course I am thankful for being healthy and for my loving friends and family, I am indebted to people who annoyed and upset me.
During long periods of time when I was so tired, and really had to push through, I found myself not running away when someone irritated or wounded me. My assumption was: if something is bothering me in another person and I walk away from those feelings so I don’t deal with them (hoping that they may go away with time and ‘indifference’), the part inside me that was hurt will not be cured.
So, I followed this assumption throughout the year to create opportunities to heal some things inside me. It turns out that 2019 was not a lost year in terms of personal growth - it could have been so easy to just keep working a lot, stop existing for a while, and turn-on the automatic pilot.
But no, I didn’t want easy, I let the irritating, unkind people, in. I internally confronted the shadows of those feelings and admitted that I was not being graceful all the time. People who annoyed me were like mirrors, they showed me my impatience, my neediness for approval, my anger, my inexperience, and my immaturity. It made things even more difficult, sure. I certainly do not have it all figured out yet, but I can start to taste… freedom. And in the process of healing, I see that it is becoming harder and harder for people to bother or to hurt me. Major bonus!
After all the work I have done, my measure of success is not the increase in the number of accomplished tasks nor the successful end of a challenging project. My thermometer of achievements now is the growth of my inner peace, and all the (stolen) moments of silence and idleness, which were accumulated when I forced myself to deal with upsetting, distressing people. I stepped back and asked myself: " - What can I learn from this knot on my throat?" - A question like this one, when I honestly tried to answer it, did not stay without a response for too long.
I appreciate what life is now, and even amid external and internal chaos, I can grow. And this led to a new understanding of gratitude for me: feeling gratitude is not always feeling happy (if I had a 2019 gratitude journal, it would be filled with entries that made me struggle, too). It may not be news to everyone, but for me, it was a big leap. Now, I look at people who challenge me with a bit more kindness, curiosity, and a new-found openness to truly learn from the experience.
Importantly, I am also very much grateful for people who save me in different ways: the ones who relish not knowing (scientists!!), people who make me laugh, and yes, the NYC Ballet – they make me laugh, cry, shout, it’s messy, but they are absurdly, incredibly, beautiful.