#171: Ambition and Gratitude

I've become hyperaware recently of the voice in my head.. and I've happily gotten a bit better at managing it in a healthier way. But what I have seen that stays more stagnant is its tendency to quickly jump to a judgement after something even a bit discouraging has happened. I've noticed though that after some time has passed, and I am less tied to a negative emotion, my orientation is more objective and I can re-shape my mindset to become a place for greater motivation and resoluteness. Lauren's blog brings me back to this, sometimes challenging, practice of actively reframing perspective. Thank you Lauren.

-Amanda

Ambition and Gratitude

I started running every morning in college as a way to feed my inner introvert. I didn’t own a watch or care about times. I was just happy to run. Fast forward many years, races, and running partners later, and I now wear a massive Garmin watch everyday. I time every workout alone or with my running team, scrutinize over my splits, and set goals for myself.

One goal I made at the new year was a specific half marathon time I wanted to reach by the end of 2020, which would require I shave off a good number of seconds each mile to beat my personal record, which had pretty much stayed consistent for multiple years. The goal wasn’t completely arbitrary - it wasn’t the most ambitious, but, in my head, it felt far enough out of reach that it would require months of workouts – plus the perfect arrangement of good weather and a healthy body on race day - to get there.

Last weekend, I ran a half marathon and missed that goal time by only one minute…it was January 19.

When my official time was texted to me, my first thought wasn’t:

Wow! You basically reached your goal and it’s only January. Great job!

It was

Wow…nice PR but we’ve got work to do. Don’t you want to be on the level of X and Y person? You’ve still got a long way to go.

Haryoon posed the question to me last week, “is ambition the antithesis of gratitude?” I would argue no, but at the same time there is a very real tension there that I find challenging. I think it is possible to say “I am satisfied with what I have” but still have an ambition or a drive to have, be, or do more. But that is a very fine line to walk.

“Antithesis” implies “either/or” to me – when I think it is more of a “both/and” question.

Reflecting on this last night, a third orientation came to mind –

Wow, you basically reached your goal and it’s only January. You really sold yourself short there…you are more capable of things than you think you are. That’s pretty cool. Now put 100% into your workouts this week.

More in line with a “growth mindset,” as Brynne likes to remind us.

Will that be my default thinking starting now? Definitely not…I think I may always default to thinking I could have done better than I did. But managing this tension will never really disappear, a dynamic push and pull in a lifetime’s work.