#154: The “F” Word

A friend recently gave me a great piece of advice – “arguments are only productive if both people are not arguing only for the sake of arguing.” Arguments seem to finally lead to some kind of resolution when both people are able to be vulnerable and say ,“maybe there is no logic to what I am feeling…but these are the things that I am feeling and I need you to respect that.” Thanks, Pip, for drawing light to this one specific pressure point – a fork in the road – where we can make a choice to shift things in a different direction and maybe even save a relationship.

 -Lauren

The “F” Word

“We don’t wake up to save the world. Rather, we wake up to wonder a little more about how other people are doing… And how our actions affect their well-being.” - Ani Pema Chodron

In our family somewhere about 15 to 18 years ago, the word “fair” became known as the “f” word. I asked our bickering, complaining five-year-old kids what they really meant by “fair” in some heated moment and they couldn’t define it. 

“Pretend I am from Mars and don’t know this word and you have to explain it to me so I know what you are talking about.” They couldn’t. So, I asked them to quit using it because I truly truly – the more I thought about – had no idea what the word meant.

Since then, I have still now and again tried to think through what the word actually means. I still don’t know. But instead of defining it, I have sensed a couple things about its usage. I sense – for example – that when the “f” word is uttered, this signals that a situation is about to get worse between humans. More anger. Greater distance. It indicates that things will go south, and other BIG powerful separating words may be following. A point to watch out for permanent damage among people. An anti-bridge building moment.

Last week, I had a fresh thought I wanted to share.

I have often thought that when we aim to attend to emotions using logic, we have very unsatisfying conversations or experiences…or we might just enflame one another. Trying to tell someone why their emotional state is wrong because of a logical reason I suspect rarely has worked throughout human history. So, when I hear “fair,” it may just be a societally habituated fashion of trying to justify our own emotions with logic.

Maybe what is below the word “fair” sometimes is simple emotion that wants to say: “I am deeply hurting.”

And if we can recognize that and see through the talk of logic that is really just masking the hurt, maybe we can connect with compassion for one another. Maybe this will help us get out of our heads and into each other’s hearts. 

Pip