#161: Terry Pearce
When I unexpectedly lost my dad, Pip said to me, "I can't even begin to imagine how you must feel right now." And I know I can't try to imagine how he felt either after losing this incredibly dear friend of his. However, I do know that it often takes so so much time to process the loss of a companion who left you with so much to remember and appreciate. And I think that the emotions, processing, and (often painful) reflecting comes in waves. Some days, the water is rough and it feels like I'm drowning as I reminisce on what's not there.. while other days I float on the surface and soak in the sun of happy memories and unforgettable life lessons and conversations. And Pip's heartfelt piece below reminds me that soon we sort of learn how to navigate through the ever-changing ocean waves from a soothing place.
- Amanda
TERRY PEARCE
Every time I think of my dear friend and mentor, Hale, I feel warm.
He passed away about 8 years ago. We met in Maine. At the Wayfarer. He took me in.
When I learned of his passing I stopped.
I cried. I was so thankful beyond words that I have.
I knew there would be a lot to “process.” Maybe “process” first and foremost means “feel” as opposed to “think through.”
I don’t know.
On August 21st of this year, I learned of my friend and mentor Terry Pearce’s passing.
A dear friend called me to tell me, as she knew I loved Terry dearly and she didn’t want me to find out some other way.
I wrote her a thank you note. What incredible kindness.
I was in Park City, Utah when I got the call.
I decided to go for a long long long walk in such a beautiful place. It was surreal.
I would often describe Terry as an American treasure. That is inadequate.
I recall that day in Park City that I wanted to write something to share with others in some fashion to honor what he gave me.
I “realized” it might take some time to reeallly process his passing. Mayyyyybbe even a few days. Hah! A few days ???? Seriously, Pip ???
This morning, sitting and thinking in the Black Cow five months later, I more so appreciate that on that long walk in August, I unconsciously considered that processing Terry’s passing could be “accomplished” in real time and might sit next to other items on a to do list.
Ridiculous.
I have long said that I am not a human real-time computer and I generally require far more processing time but, subconsciously, I felt a weight to process and say and write something powerful that, in some way, might match what Terry gave me and my best sense of the incredible ripples he provided to the wide wide world. I was after all on my third study through his favorite book and learning every single day more and more from his gentle direction.
But I was sucked into thinking I “should be” up to the task of processing and reflecting in a way to instantly real-time honor him. I thought at that moment I suspect that anything short of instant processing would be dishonoring and even callous.
Aye ye ye.
Now, I sense it would have been a terrible terrible inadvertent dishonor to attempt to real-time process what Terry gave or meant to me.
I won’t quickly “move on” from Terry Pearce.
I also realized that it took about six years to begin to process my father’s passing!!!
And I remember that almost every day I reflect and journal on my parents because I am not at all done processing what they gave me. Somewhere in truly sinking into what my parents gave me, I moved into a state of joy.
Every time I think of them, I feel so so warm.
My last conversation with Terry came about a week before his passing. I had no idea that he would soon pass. I doubt he did either.
I was sharing with him what felt like an immense challenge I was facing. And I was, today, thinking about his “advice” that day.
He didn’t give me any!
I recall him saying something like:
“Geez… Pip… that is a tough situation. I am really not sure what I would do…I have some thoughts I can share and something like that happened to me back a ways but…I am not really sure…that’s a tough one…”
I felt so heard. His gentle thoughtful way provided just enough validation of one human to another human. And at the same time, he didn’t let me sink into an enablement that might become paralyzing.
He had no advice.
But what he did give me was the richest companionship. I love the phrase “walking through life’s complexity and groundlessness tenderly together.” He was ALL that for me
My relationship with Terry isn’t at all through. I may have years of reflecting. His teaching is inside me. His vulnerability is inside me. His huge smile and laugh are inside me. His thoughtfulness is inside me. His validation is inside me. His care for humans is inside me. His joy is inside me. The time he gave me is inside me.
His encouragement is inside me.
His irreplaceable companionship is inside me.
And every time I think of him, I am so so warm.
Pip