#305: Ending Hurting Humor
Reading Pip's words below sparked inspiration in me for a variety of reasons. I appreciate not only his sharing of the important realization he had about the impact of hurtful humor, but also his desire and ability to set aside ego and take time to purely self-reflect to make a positive personal change. I am seeing more and more the power of ever-growing self awareness and how it can lead to expanding compassion in both my words and actions. Thank you for your openness and genuine authenticity here, Pip.
- Amanda
ENDING HURTING HUMOR
Dry Humor:
“…deliberate display of emotional neutrality or no emotion, commonly as a form of comedic delivery to contrast with the ridiculousness or absurdity of the subject matter. The delivery is meant to be blunt, ironic, laconic, or apparently unintentional…”… WIkipedia
In a moment I will focus on dry humor specifically. But this note is really about hurting humor.
Kelly and I went for a night of comedy in Saratoga about three years ago. Right on mainstreet.
Two of the comics had significantly contrasting styles. One was self-effacing. He made himself the butt of most of the jokes. His delivery was slow. He was pleasant.
The other comedian used his exceptionally rapid and clever brain to ruthlessly and ceaseless pick on a handful of people in the audience. It seemed just mean. It seemed like taunting and teasing. At the end, I think he said “thanks for being a great sport.” Maybe he even meant it. I don’t think I could have dealt well with the torrent of ridicule. I was really glad we weren’t the targets.
I am not a fan of comics who make their living determinedly using their clever brains to ruthlessly pick on other humans.
During the past three months, I realize that here and there and far far too often and for far too long I have likely had the impact of the second comic.
I have been deeply searching to understand my tendencies. 98%+ of my use humor comes from a space of personal affection for amazingly wonderful people in my life. I am rarely sarcastic. But too often my intent – instead -- generates damage for the very ones I wish to provide affection. (A number higher than zero is ‘too often’).
I have been attracted to what is called “dry humor”. I am not sure why. Maybe my own ego finds it clever.
Dry humor is meant to seem unintentional and it contrasts an unemotional delivery of a ridiculous statement. The humor would be that EVERYONE gets the ridiculousness.
This can perhaps be funny some percent of the time. Maybe even a large amount of the time.
What I have come to realize is that, maybe, 20% of the time others around me “get” that I am in a dry humor mode. That’s a terribly low percentage. So, mainly the only certain outcome is I am entertaining myself the other 80% of the time even though the key intent inside me is to express affection.
It falls apart in some fashion like this: I say something like “Well… unfortunately Joe isn’t so smart…” or “Well… if only Stu was kinder and more generous…”
These statements are great IF it is obvious to EVERYONE (and especially Joe and Stu!!!) that the statement is ridiculous in that Joe is clearly off the charts smart and Stu is one of the kindest and most generous souls on the planet. BUT if Joe and Stu don’t get that I am using dry humor as a gesture of personal affection (and they perhaps have an insecurity about their intelligence or generosity like all of us humans do) they might be really really really really hurt.
Other witnesses that don’t get the dry humor or the context probably wonder what an amazing huge jerk I am and hope THEY are never the target…. Like Kelly and I wished to avoid being the target at comedy night in Saratoga.
Recently I learned of some deep hurt I had created.
Any amount is waaaay too often…
…a tad of hurt here or hurt there or a HUGE amount of hurt now and again. I am here specify dry humor but I will be watching all of it. It might be a spurious sloppy thoughtless knee-jerk wanting to demonstrate affection for someone I care deeply about in a moment when all is even totally awesome in the world that might instead backfire and lead potentially irreparable harm.
For what upside???
So, I am dropping all of this which can generate mis-understanding and harm. The cost is unacceptable. I only wish I had seen this earlier.
And, instead, I will be more directly sharing my genuine affection.