#178: What Cissey Taught Me: More than Tolerating

This piece has so so many layers to it.. that perhaps a lead-in couldn't do it comprehensive justice. That being said Lauren, you have wonderfully introduced a variety of life lessons in your tribute to Cissey, a person whose presence I wish I could have experienced myself. Thank you for sharing something so personal with this community. It seems writing can be such a powerful outlet for those who have lost someone - translating loving thoughts into endearing words.

-Amanda

What Cissey Taught Me: More than Tolerating

The CFC Writer’s Circle has perhaps inadvertently become a place to share the wisdom of loved ones who have passed away. I have really enjoyed hearing about Pip and the Posa sisters' respective fathers, Pip’s coach, as well as Amanda’s former boss in Florida. I am sure there have been others too. I lost a friend a year ago very unexpectedly, and as we come up to the one-year anniversary of her passing, I have been wanting to put into words some of the things she taught me.

I read an article a while back ago about the word “tolerance,” that is often brought up in conversations around promoting diversity and pushing against hatred. Maybe we need to have more “tolerance” for one another and our different values and belief systems. Or maybe we have to be more “tolerant” towards making room for immigrants or refugees.

As I learned from this piece though, tolerance has an unsuspecting background (unless you are maybe Maria Souza and know this already!) – it has a biological origin related to how much of a poisonous substance a body can take before it dies. It is a relationship between a host and parasite. That sounds less like a diverse community living in harmony and more like a toxic power dynamic where one party is harmful to the other.

This blew my mind at the time…we needed a better word, a better metaphor. I didn’t have a word, but I immediately thought of my friend Cissey as a perfect example.

Cissey came from a family of first-generation Chinese immigrants. She was proud of her cultural history and studied traditional Chinese medicine, ultimately opening her own acupuncture practice to help people heal physically and mentally. She was also proudly queer and was an active member of and advocate for the LGBTQ community in Portland, OR. Pandas were her favorite animal because they eat and sleep a lot and she said they reminded her of herself. I mention these things, because I think she would say these are core parts to her identity.

A core part of my identity is my Christian faith. Cissey knew this and – as someone who was not religious, and as someone who may sadly not be welcomed by some Christian churches – could have easily just “tolerated” this part of my life. But she didn’t. She did way more.

Cissey had no desire to become a Christian or try going to a church. But I’ll never forget how she sat on the floor of my college dorm room to help me objectively talk through a pros and cons lists when I was considering transferring to a Christian school. When I lived with her one summer, she had asked some of her friends about what churches they went to or heard of before I arrived because she knew I would want to go. A few Sundays, she happily offered to drive me to church and drop me off, and then would come pick me up in her Mini Cooper, music blasting, a hot coffee and a donut ready for me in the passenger seat. She would sit with me at the kitchen table while I read my Bible in the mornings. She loved me for all of me and I certainly loved her for all of her.   

My favorite quote from that article I read is, “Pluralism is striving for a notion of a greater We that acknowledges and builds on our particularity, and does not seek to wash it away.” If tolerance is to “deal” with someone who is different from you by ignoring their differences, what would it look like to support friends in their diversity by celebrating differences?

The panda has been a symbol for the Chinese of peace and harmony since they are black and white like the symbol of yin and yang. A balance. Like just about everything in life, this is more about a “both / and” and not a “black / white” issue. I imagine we all have some definitive boundaries where we could not support a peer in their endeavors that we disagree with. There is room for flexibility beyond your core, a balance. I was thinking today it’s funny that Cissey used to say she was a panda, because she seemed to emulate this kind of balance better than anyone I know. Fiercely fighting for what she believed in, while also loving others who were different than herself.