#212: Joy in the Gutters

My first thought when I read Amanda’s blog was: “This writing is not for your eyes.” That’s often how I feel (or try my best to feel - she DOES admit to little sister snooping) when I’m journaling. Amanda’s blog does a great job capturing the essence of journaling, which, without giving too much away, is that it is less about putting pen to paper, and more about putting unconsciousness to awareness… and ultimately to choice. 

 - Christina

Joy in the Gutters

In a conversation with Srin Sridharan today during a breakout session of our Reflections Call, I mentioned how I’ve always been more of a writer rather than a speaker. Writing comes much easier to me than openly speaking does. Public speaking is actually one of my worst fears. And it’s most likely because I get caught up in my head and my own ideas and then freeze up or feel myself being pulled into a ridiculous internal tangent. Writing, on the other hand, gives me the time and headspace needed to reflect and collect my thoughts and articulate them how I actually intend. At the end of our conversation, Srin mentioned that writing and journaling could be used as a tool to crystallize one’s thoughts. 

While I couldn’t agree more, I’ll admit I’ve definitely experienced writers’ block lately… most likely due to the fear of how my words sound and what others may think. And I’ve felt upset that, once again, my own mind and persistent thoughts have gotten in the way of my outward expression. 

  So, instead of writing blogs the last few months, I’ve begun to journal.  

And I’ve come to love the practice of journaling each night before bed. I know it’s for my eyes only (luckily I don’t have any snoopy younger siblings in this full-quarantine house I’m living in). And it’s helped me get more in tune with myself - my emotions, my insecurities, my hopes and intentions. 

But above anything else, it has strengthened my ability to cultivate joy throughout my own days, and perhaps as well as the days of others. 

Shawn Achor, advocate of positive psychology, said in a Ted Talk that you can literally rewire the brain to think/feel happier by engaging in the practice of writing down three things you are grateful for each day, claiming that it’s not necessarily reality that shapes us, but the lens through which the brain views the world that shapes reality. So I initially started very simply doing just that. Now, I’m using a guided journal that asks you to: 1) write the good things that happened from the day, 2) how you made a positive difference, 3) fill in the provided checklist of positive and/or negative emotions, and 4) write a happy thought to carry you to sleep.

I really like routinely moving through these four prompts each night.  

It’s funny though. At first, I didn’t love the practice at all and sometimes even struggled to fill out the little page. Frankly, I quite often just wanted to shove the book back into my bedside table and go to bed. But now, I genuinely look forward to hopping into that peaceful practice as I sit against my pillow. I no longer have a hard time writing what I want to say between the lines. But the better part is, I think I know why this may be… and why the practice has gotten so much easier than when I first started. 

I think it’s perhaps because my brain is now more naturally moving through the motions of those prompts throughout each hour of the day. I’m no longer jumping into the act of scanning my day for positives just five minutes before I go to sleep; instead, it’s retained a positive pattern. I’m already honing in on the existing optimism and moments of gratitude and happiness within my day-to-day actions. And I’m naturally noticing and acknowledging my feelings more, good or bad. 

 It’s also interesting to re-read what I have been writing under the, “Good things that happened today” prompt. While some are obvious things like, “Finding out my sister is pregnant again” or “Getting a new Macbook,” I’ve been noticing more subtle things written that I wouldn’t normally look back and smile at after a long day. Like fixing my house’s grimey gutter, or helping set up a new blow-up pool in the sweltering heat. Who would have thought these would stick in my brain as something enjoyable?

But I guess that’s where the breakthrough lies. Through challenging, sad, and uncertain times, times I’ve definitely experienced a great deal of mourning and anxiety and fear, it is still possible to find joy in the little things… to rewire the brain so that it more naturally clings to the small pleasures. Or maybe it even turns seemingly-mundane experiences into something gratifying and worth noting. 

I experienced so much happiness the other day sitting on the porch while it rained. And watching my two dogs run through a new woodsy trail we’d found. I’ve actually felt happiness in my soul for the first time in probably a year after struggling with depression and anxiety for some time. However, there’s really been no major positive life event that’s happened to accredit that. Today, Kurt Peloquin mentioned the idea of leaning into hard places with a sense of gratitude. And I think I’m realizing it doesn’t have to take that much to tilt in that direction. Even though that blow up pool was a little more taxing than I expected, it was a joyful effort. And it was for my baby nieces. 

As Sourav Choudhary wisely said during the call, when we are truly joyful, we can help ourselves AND each other more. And it is the best time ever to be joyful. Some people may just need specific tools to help integrate that joy more easily and sincerely and regularly. Journaling has become my personal tool. And it has truly expanded my definition of joy.

So my positive thought to carry me to sleep last night was, “Strengthen your mind. Open your heart. And fill it with greater joy and love. For both yourself and others.”