#283: Who I Am at 34
Jaime's birthday was earlier this month on November 4th. And I really loved the birthday reflection she had shared. The full version of this blog/self-reflection can be found on her website (linked at the bottom), but I chose certain parts of it to share right here with the CFC.
Jaime's words below are nothing short of being wholeheartedly vulnerable. And I choose to use the term "nothing short of" because initially when I hear the words "feeling/being vulnerable," it feels they hold a negative connotation. But I know it is actually such a wonderful thing in the human experience to be able to get to a place of feeling comfortable enough to be that way fully, ridding oneself of any worries of external judgement. It is not usually an easy thing to do, at least it hasn't always been for me. But time after time, Jaime does it in her writing. And it makes me realize that I am grateful I've decided to become more open and honest with myself (and with others) as I've grown older too. And I'm glad my sister seems to experience the kind of relief I know comes with that .
Thank you, Jaime.
- Amanda
Who I Am at 34
Ten years ago my Dad wrote me a twenty page handwritten, barely legible letter and sent it to me in El Salvador. His spelling sucked and he was far from perfect, but he sure knew how to love and he loved a lot of things and a lot of people in life very deeply.
Five years ago he crashed his motorcycle and now he lives trapped in time. . . trapped in memories.
I took some time for Me today on the day I was birthed to do some things that make me feel free and connected and light and human.
34 is nice. I’m not embarrassed by my grey hairs (or arm hair) or wrinkles as I used to be. I don’t feel defined by the changing shape of my body or beauty or beliefs or lack thereof or the things you know or don’t know about my resume and that’s lightened my load a lot. I feel more confident than ever, yet I’m way more of a mess in public and that’s really a much freer way to live so I’m grateful for that too. My confidence doesn’t look like lipstick, tight pants or a high paying job, but rather the ability to cry openly about how much this summer sucked if you ask me and not to care about how you react to that. My confidence doesn’t look like published writing or framed art or well-behaved children, but rather sharing stuff that’s unrefined and raw without worry, asking for help and paying attention as best as I can and sometimes sucking at that and then finding ways to forgive myself. I used to not be able to forgive myself. It takes practice and it’s important and it’s actually the only way to be a better Mom. I take stuff SO much less personally- both the compliments and the criticisms- that’s one of the best things I’ve learned to do.
I don’t worry as much about saying the wrong thing because I know I’ll often say the wrong thing, but I really care about growth so I’m always listening and learning even when it causes me shame and discomfort. I know that if I rub people the wrong way they will leave for the right reasons and I’m okay with that.
I was really gentle with myself today.
I had some quiet moments with my Self this morning, thinking about the things that matter most to me. I said no to other people in order to say yes to myself. That’s taken a lot of practice both to put into action and to do without guilt. I’m pretty good at that now (sometimes) and again, grateful. I had brunch with my husband and then got a tattoo that I’ve wanted for a while at a carefully curated place and with a (female artist) person that I felt connected to. Then I came home and had some quality time with my little ones outside on the trampoline and on the porch and in the hammock in front of an incredible sunset - looking into their eyes and laughing together, and being easy on them, too, and that was the perfect way to end the day.
I felt really Me today.
In my flow on a Scorpio New Moon. . .
what a gift.
