CFC INSIGHTS: Deep Listening

Today during our zoom call, Irwin Kula, president of the National Jewish Center for Learning and Leadership, had us dive into what it means to truly listen, and why often times we have trouble doing so. Many times when someone is talking to us, we want to speak before they have finished getting their words out. It requires some form of discipline to refrain from interrupting as our thoughts and notions are constantly flowing and these idea waves drown us from truly understanding what the person is saying to us. Indeed listening requires a tremendous amount of self-awareness and emotion control, even if we do not naturally see/notice that. 

"Profound quote"

Irwin sheds light on a very good point: we like to hear our own voice because it confirms who we are.

I firmly believe this to be true. An echo chamber helps us to define our values and passions and interests. Living in a world of negative events blowing up on the media and people fighting and disagreeing and violence and yelling, our emotions come out rather easily and even frequently. However, yelling is one way we mask our uncertainty. We want to talk about the news and current events and modern issues and we want to share our opinion with everyone so that not only do THEY know where we stand, but we better get a grasp on ourselves as well. When we have a clear position and fully comprehend where we stand and what our views are, we also sound more certain and more intelligent…and we all want that, right? I think often when we are in conversation with someone who sees differently than us and has different views, our initial tendency is to want to argue and state our conceptions and fight back. However, the more productive thing to do is to simply ask questions. Good questions. The kind that prove you are really paying attention. Perhaps you will better understand where they’re coming from and their underlying values. Or perhaps they will see other possible truths. 

I also believe we innately cling to our mindsets. Our mindsets can act as a shield to protect us from things we don’t agree on, connect with, understand. Our mindsets give us certainty and also help bring us back to who we are and what we can make sense of. 

Irwin also discusses how we rarely get mad at others based off what is said on surface-level. Irwin states, “People really do have moral or foundational taste buds. Some people like sour and others sweet.” The root of the disagreement stems from having different values, not different views on policy. For example, we’ll take two people arguing about immigration control. Should policies and boundaries be more strict? One arguer may have grown up with stricter parents, and therefore believes greatly in orderliness, rigidness, and restrictions. While the other arguer grew up differently, believing in freedom, liberalism, and sovereignty. At a moment of polarization, the values get split. So there’s your difference. Is it really then about immigration? When we dig deeper into it we see that immigration policy is actually just a leaf that one day sprouted out off that deep, embedded, core root, or VALUE. We must see the ethics underlying people’s fixed positions. 

In order to build a community and create lasting, meaningful change, we must listen to the emotional underpinnings of a person’s or organization’s view. Our views are a rationalization of our emotional world. Before engaging with someone and caring for them, we need to have genuine curiosity in them—their hopes, aspirations, fears, fantasies. To spark creativity, listening is fundamental. 

One interesting question that came up during this session is this: when/how did you learn to listen? 

Every one has a different answer to this. And it may link back to your personal life with your family and friends, or your career, or your volunteer activities. For me, I immediately thought of children. I have spent so much of my life working and engaging with children. I am fascinated by them and their behavior and their ability and also desire to be molded. Student mindedness proves the significance of having CURIOSITY. I spent one of my college semesters volunteering with an outdoor, nature-based children’s center. It was the way their eyes lit up when they saw a garden snake, and the way they so badly wanted to pick apart and learn about the parts of a flower. They were so inquisitive, and constantly intrigued by every activity we did. There was continual eye contact. They were these little sponges, soaking in every thing I told them and every thing in their environment. Conceivably we need these student-mindsets, as they are always being molded based off new experiences and new people. Listening can be a by-product of curiosity. 

Learning how to listen in this next era is really central. It helps us form positive community and to initiate and continually engage in worthwhile change. Perhaps there’s a reason we have TWO ears and only ONE mouth. We need to listen not to respond, but to understand. As the Dalai Lama said, “When you talk, you are only repeating what you know. But if you listen, you may learn something new.” Not convinced? Perhaps we also were given mouths that close and ears that don’t—hmm. Just a little food for thought. Truly and wholeheartedly listening is not always easy to do, but it certainly is a potent force for change. There will always be disagreements, but if we better understand our place, as well as OTHER people’s place, we will more deeply understand the world and how to apply ourselves, leaving it a better, more compassionate place.