#122: Gratitude When It's Hard
I looked at this blog from Jaime through various different lenses. But one vision brought me back to a TED talk with Shawn Achor that I watched where he discussed how it's possible to actually train the brain to be more happy through some rather simple exercises. One exercise included writing down three things or three people that you are grateful for and why each day. Research showed that two minutes of this practice per day for 21 days can actually re-wire the brain to be more optimistic as people will start scanning the world for the positives over the negatives. And that this daily space for gratitude and appreciation, with regards to even the little things people say or do for you, can hugely impact happiness, relationships, and even work productivity over time. Jaime's blog reminds me of the potentiality of these simple yet worthwhile practices.
- Amanda
Jaime Posa posa.jaime@gmail.com
Gratitude When It's Hard
I was feeling frustrated and upset with someone the other day. Actually, after I did “my practice” I realized I was upset with the situation, not the person.
It’s a person I deeply care about and love and respect, so I wanted to make sure I could come to a place of compassionate communication with him before I reacted on my feelings. I’ve been trying to make this more and more of a habit...because looking back as a kid, and a very sensitive one, I realize I would hide, bury and suppress a lot of my feelings until they would swell up and then I’d burst -usually into tears.
Usually what I’ll do now is first take some time to myself in my yoga room or in the woods to move my body and try to get out of my head and into the place where the emotions are raw. Then, I take out a good writing pen and my journal and I let those raw emotions spill onto the page. I find that before I do anything else, I need to get the feelings out.
Usually I don’t want to share from this place because this is the hurt, the ego, the venting. It’s important for me to see it, honor it, acknowledge it- but that’s not the place from where I can communicate my needs clearly to another person. After all, this is usually what hurt and frustrations are - unmet needs.
But what I don’t want to do is play the victim. And when I re-read the word splatter in my journal of my feelings of hurt, usually that’s what I find- victimizations. So now I move to my second part of my process - making a list of all the things I’m grateful for in this person and/or situation. I aim for well above 10. Usually I start from a place of “ugh there’s hardly anything” and by the end I’m running out of space on the page to fit it all. By the end of these two steps I’m feeling more relief, more clarity, more room to breath. I can see the other person as my ally now. I’m more centered, less constricted and more able to see possible solutions and venues for communication. Which is where I go next. I start making a list of solutions. (I had a boss that used to tell us not to come to him with problems unless we’ve started thinking about solutions too.) Once I’ve finished this whole process, I almost always feel a huge weight lifted. I no longer feel like the victim and I no longer see the person as the enemy. Rather, I see a situation that needs to be re-worked and I’ve found myself with a new set of tools to test out to improve it and I’m asking the other person for help.
I’ve been so grateful for this practice in my life and how it has helped me process my emotions and then use them for good, as opposed to burying myself in them like I did growing up. I’ve learned to see the benefit of “being sensitive,” something I always felt people made sound like a bad thing as a kid. Now I realize that while it can sometimes be a burden, it’s also a gift in that I am super tuned into the energy and emotions of my surroundings and I have the capacity to shift it when needed. There is such power in perspective and in attitude and I’ve found that starting with gratitude is truly the best way to approach our challenges.
Jaime's first-person bio:
I teach and I write and I create things and I see if I can be a better listener more consistently every day. I enjoy using food, nature and yoga as tools for experiencing a deeper sense of joy, connection and freedom (within myself and with other beings). I began regularly referring to myself as a Returned Peace Corps Volunteer in 2012, after serving more than 2 years in El Salvador, and I aways refer to that because that experience is an inflection point for when I began more intentionally living. I actually sometimes say that Peace Corps "saved my life" and I kinda sorta mean that. My biggest joy in my work is when a child's face lights up.