#278: Being Both Okay and Not Okay

It occurs to me that there are some phrases in English that lots of people speak, but rarely mean what the words actually say. Jaime picks out the one I think might be one of the most common. Most of the folks asking it probably don’t allow for the time it takes to get an honest or complete answer to this simple question. And I’m certainly included here. But when I can take the time to hear someone else’s full response, I find it gives me a sense of peace and connection to that person and our species that I wouldn’t have felt had I continued at New York pace.

- Corey

Being Both Okay and Not Okay

Lately, when people ask me how I am doing, I cannot answer “Good, how are you?”.

I am not sleeping. I have two little ones going through sleep regressions and health issues and challenges. I am running between their bedrooms and ours and usually by the time I go to lay down in our bed my heart is racing so bad that when I finally do wind down, one of the babies is up again. This is my story nearly every. single. night.

So, truth be told, I am not okay. I am so beyond tired. I am overwhelmed. I often don’t know where to start.

I opened my blog today for the first time in forever and the first thing I read is that “stories are the most accessible ingredient for healing.” Sigh. I let that sink in.

I am a bit intimidated to be so vulnerable with you right now, but if I am not open and honest I will continue hiding with my demons in the dark. So, here’s to holding a bit of my story in the light right now in order to (perhaps) see that the shadow is not as big as it feels in my mind.

Sometimes, when people ask me how I am doing, I say that I’m okay. Which is true. I am mostly okay. I am healthy (for the most part). I have a roof over my head and access to clean food and water and people who are willing to help me. I know the things that would serve my soul and help my family, I just need to take baby steps to start getting there. Right now, everything feels like a hard step. But today, I took quite a few of those and my breathing feels a bit better now.

Sometimes, I tell people that I am not really okay. I am not sleeping and sometimes I don’t have the help when I need it (like 2am, 3am, 4:30am, etc. etc.) or when both children are having meltdowns and need a nap and, well, me too. I cry a lot, which I’m not afraid of, but also, I would like to smile & laugh more soon.

So, the truth is, I am both. I am not okay. And I am okay.

My anxiety and lack of sleep tell me that I simply cannot survive like this anymore.

My heart and my loved ones know that I can.

That is keeping me OK.

Be gentle with your self & others.