CFC Blog #124: Delivering the Expected Unknown
I find this post so intriguing, exciting, and true! I think surprises are awesome and everyone involved gets to feel a sense of joy. And I think the research Rob presents is fascinating, yet not astonishing to me. My boyfriend Chad and I always surprise each other with small treats like a certain favorite drink, ice-cream, or a short hand-written note. And reflecting back on all of the unexpectedness that occurs in our relationship, I realize that some of the overall most memorable and joyful aspects of it are coming home to my room unexpectedly being straightened up and my plants placed in the sunny window.. or a little note on the mirror that doesn't say that much but yet reflects back endearment and euphoria in its brief words. Have I mentioned how much I love surprises .. :)
- Amanda
Delivering the Expected Unknown
What is an expected surprise for you?
When I was in college, and I was trying to “figure out my path” (as the kids might say) I had this conversation with my grandfather. I was in a bad mood, and feeling bad about myself and he asked me if I had given anybody an expected surprise. He actually challenged me and said “what’s the last expected surprise you gave?”
And I said , “an expected surprise? How does that work?”
He said, “What is something unknown that you know someone expects from you – but will delight them?” He named off a few examples like a present from your favorite uncle under the tree at Christmas, or that new job that you’re starting on Monday, or the beach vacation that you’re about to take, or that awesome movie you’re looking forward to. “Those are what I mean by expected unknowns”, he said.
So, yeah, I got the concept, but still didn’t really know what he meant.
So as it turns out, scientific research has found that surprise can intensify our emotions by about 400%. This is why something like a simple box of chocolates you didn’t expect can make your day, and why the careless jerk who steals your parking space can ruin it.
But, here’s the thing. It’s not the actual surprise that heightens your emotion. It’s the expectation of the surprise that’s the key. The anticipation of opening a present from your favorite uncle is way more intense than the present itself. It’s the dread you feel about that Dentist’s appointment that is way worse than the Dentist itself. It’s the hopeful expectation of an over-the-top fantastic beach vacation that can be more intensely happy-making than the trip itself.
Looking at the positive side, author Ben Hoff put our tendency to desire that expectation really well in The Tao of Pooh. He said “each time the goal is reached, it becomes Not So Much Fun, and we're off to reach the next one, then the next one, then the next.”
What my grandfather was telling me to do was to try and be more consistent about delivering expected unknowns to people. And that by delivering those expected unknowns, I would actually be happier because I, myself, would be expecting happy surprises in the reactions I would get in giving them.
Now, if we reduce all that, I suppose you can simply break down his advice to “if you consistently do good, you’ll feel better too”. There’s science on this too apparently called the helper’s high.
But I really love the “expected unknown” idea. To me, one of the highest compliments I ever receive is not when people come up to me and tell me that they enjoyed one of my speeches, or a workshop, or one of my books. Now, don’t get me wrong. Those compliments are wonderful too. But the comment that truly warms my heart the most is when someone says something to the effect of “I look forward to what you’ll do next.”
To me, delivering the expected unknown is kind of like a “subscription” where people that you work with, or your friends, or family, just come to subscribe to YOU. They depend on the fact that whenever they interact with you, they don’t know exactly what you’re gonna do - but whatever it is, they just know it’s going to be great.