CFC Blog #268: Wondering As A Part of Healing

I recently learned about Thanatology - the study of death and the practices around it. (So named after the Greek personification of death.) Death isn’t something I’d spent much of my life thinking about. It’s a natural thing, but only happens to other people - and I was young. When my grandmother and great uncle passed away last year, it was sad but okay - they‘d been in their bodies for 90+ years. It wasn’t until Francesca and I experienced an unexpected death (a miscarriage) earlier this year that death really became part of my everyday thinking. Rather than being morbid, I find these thoughts give me a sense of relief… to know the great mystery is an experience everyone shares.

- Corey Loftus

Wondering As A Part of Healing

I went for a walk on the beach early yesterday morning and it occurred to me that it was the day before the 5th anniversary of my dad’s passing.

And I started wondering what he was doing 5 years ago, the day before his death. 

I wondered if there was any part of him, maybe an unconscious part of him... his soul, that knew that was his last day? I wondered if he was in a good mood that day? Was he noticeably happier or maybe more sad? Or was everything completely the same.

Did he have any unique thoughts or insights that day? Did he find anything strange or out of the ordinary? Were there any signs that death was near, that perhaps didn’t seem significant enough to voice?

I have to imagine that somehow our soul knows even when our mind does not.

I wondered if he gazed at the moon extra long or the sunset. If he daydreamed more than usual that day. I wondered what the last thing he said was, who he texted, and why.... 

And how did he wake up the morning of... was he able to sleep the night before? Did he have weird dreams? Was he restless? Did his body feel any different? Did he have any unusual anxiety?

Sudden death is unique in this regard. 

Not better. Not worse. Death is just lingering there without knowing. 

When you know it’s coming, you might share things with people, share stories, make peace, create closure, communicate your love and your wishes. But you also worry more, wonder more, are probably more scared and filled with so many questions. But with sudden death you don’t really have any of this.

I don’t really have a point other than this.

Death certainly is a mystery. One that has endless questions and one of the few things in *life* that will never have answers. 

But it’s still important to wonder about it all. I think wondering is a part of healing. 

We miss you dad. Can’t believe it’s been 5 years. I still feel you by the ocean.