CFC Blog #45: Throwback to - 20 Greatest Hits on Listening
Last Thursday we held a soaking lunch with 11 folks at the Seaport space. It is meant as a time of zero intensity and enjoying being present with some cool human beings so that naturally we each might be nourished and along the way we meet some specific people to get to know much more deeply than we had. These soaking lunches (and dinners) are meant to experience what we might relatively consider VERY HIGH TRUST in a very short amount of time. And if we create such routine BACKBEATS then the Community For Change will fairly quickly benefit from the compound and cumulative effect of an ever accelerating inter-woven fabric of trust and all the infinite possibilities which can be created on top. Other backbeats include the Crosby Retreat Nov 13-14, the monthly zoom video sessions and these Writer’s Circle notes themselves.
Ok…
One topic that surfaced Thursday was “Listening”…
How much fun…
Joe Esposito (who I suspect at least half of you know) reminded us of a project he set out on last year to ask great listeners how they do it. He also references that we did something similar at the 2017 Sundance Retreat.
I asked if I could share some of his learnings which I put into this list of 20 Greatest Hits… I am sure there are more! Please rift on this list with “reply” to pcoburn@coburnventures.com or joeespo75@gmail.com —— and to further encourage Joe to keep up this study!
I think it will be a GREAT week ahead! Oh… Greg Parsons — thank you for connecting me with Ayse — we spoke Friday!! And Amanda — thank you for connecting me with Amber!
pip
(FROM JOE ESPOSITO)
As a few of you know, during the past couple of months I've been asking some of the exceptional listeners in my life how they do it. And you won't be surprised to learn that many of their suggestions were utterly amazing.
But then this week there was a surprise. During an investor retreat, we discussed the following topic: what would it look like to be the best listener in the world?
Below is a list of "greatest hits" from both cohorts. It is a near-embarrassment of riches, which I feel inspired to share :)
Joe
20 GREATEST HITS ON LISTENING
#1 NO EXPECTATION: Listening without expectation of anything in return, i.e. without seeking to quell one's own curiosity or "figure something out." Having as an explicit goal the other person's feeling understood.
#2 POSITIVE ATTRIBUTES: Intentionally focusing on the other person's positive attributes as they're talking (they'll sense it).
#3 COMMITTING: Committing before the conversation begins that one is going to listen intently...at a super-high level. Pre-committing to that before the conversation begins, or as it is beginning, will make a difference.
#4 CLARIFYING: Asking clarification questions.
#5 ACTIVE SILENT: Staying mostly silent, but not perfectly silent. Ensure there is sufficient engagement and prodding for the other person to know you are locked-in, and want them to continue.
#6 TRANSCENDENT: Listening for the transcendent; for what is present despite not being spoken aloud (and it's always "there"...you just have to listen for it).
#7 ENVIRONMENT: Ensuring there is proper space & time to listen properly. The right environment can have make an enormous difference.
#8 PAUSE: Pausing, intentionally, prior to responding.
#9 OPEN + AVAILABLE + WITHOUT A VISION: Ditching any pre-conceived notion of specific things you're looking to figure-out, and just being open to what the other person is trying to communicate (which could be something very different than what you asked about).
#10 CIRCUMSTANCES VS CHARACTER: Remembering as we listen that while we typically evaluate our own actions in-terms of the circumstances, we often view other people's actions in-terms of their character. Keep that in-mind as we listen to others, and grant them the same standards we apply to ourselves.
#11 OPEN HEART: Listen with the heart. The other person will know.
#12 EXPECT HIGH VALUE: Deciding that there is potentially something very valuable worth listening for. If we believe there's something valuable that may be said, we're more likely to be highly-engaged to the task of deepunderstanding.
#13 EMPATHIC LISTENING: Reflecting the content of what another person is communicating back to them via empathetic listening.
#14 AVOID REAL-TIME CATEGORIZATION: When another person is talking, we're often creating our own "content" as we relate it back to our lives. Being aware of this default tendency in our brains, and trying to avoid it, makes a huge difference: don't categorize the other person's story, or subsume it into your own.
#15 WONDERING OF DIVINITY: Pastoral listening, or tying it back to God (or the divine, or karma, etc depending on the person). Asking "where does God come into this" (or the "divine", or "karma", etc) can encourage the other person to continue talking.
#16 ONE QUESTION DEEPER: Going at least one question deeper, if not more, after receiving a typical "socially acceptable" answer to a common question. This invites the person to go deeper...get closer to the essence of what's really going on and/or what they really want to share.
#17 NOT RIGHT NOW: Recognizing that there are times when we can't always listen well to another person. If that is the case, make it clear to the other party.
#18 GIFT AND PERSONAL NOURISHMENT: Remembering that although listening is often viewed (properly) as a gift one gives another human being, that from the perspective of learning, connection, and enhancing one's empathy it can also be quite the selfish act.
#19 PHYSICAL POSTURE: Developing a mental map of your physical posture as you listen attentively can help. Visualize what it looks and feels like (eye contact, perhaps leaning-in a bit, smiling, etc...) when you're really (really) listening.
#20 RIGHT QUESTION: Withholding one's own opinion while listening. Interjecting one's opinion may have the consequence of preventing the other person from having a valuable insight. Remember that the goal is to help the other person, not yourself. It's FAR more helpful to spend time ensuring the other person is focused on the right questions than to share you own "answer."