CFC Blog #215: The Well of Reciprocity

I am so excited to share a first blog from our good friend, Regina Anderson! 
I often remind myself “you can’t pour from an empty cup” when I struggle to justify taking breaks or practicing self-care - and I love how Regina’s idea of “the well of reciprocity” uses a similar metaphor to talk about professional relationships - and with some practical ideas for pathways forward!  The term “reciprocity” was what stuck out to me the most and reminded me of the Desmond Tutu quote the we tend to reference often: 

"I am because you are, and you are because I am; that indeed a person is a person only through other persons."
This seems to be especially important in a workplace setting where you are working on a team trying to achieve a set of goals - and I love the image of a company having a culture where people are able to refill their wells when they feel like they are running dry. A kind of collective compassion. Thank you, Regina. 

-Lauren

The Well of Reciprocity

The “well of reciprocity” is a concept that I learned years ago when I was “coming up through the ranks.” I hope it might be of use to you.

I most often apply the concept of the well of reciprocity to work settings because your relationships with coworkers and bosses are quite different from your family relationships. Though the emotions can feel the same, when we are stressed, frustrated, confused, tired and annoyed, how we talk to our work folks is different from how we talk to our home folk.

Imagine for each person in your work world, you have an old fashioned well with one of those manual handles to draw up a bucket of water. Now, imagine in that well, a pool of fresh water flowing deeply. This is your well of reciprocity for any one person. Let’s focus on one well, one relationship, for example’s sake.
 
When you think about the relationship you have with this person, think about the activities you engage in with this person. You have lunch, collaborate, help each other out during deadlines, learn about one another’s hobbies. All of these activities add to your well of reciprocity for that person. The depth of the water grows.

Sometimes, people being human, that person might do some humanlike things like being short with you when you ask how they’re doing, they miss a deadline, they talk over you in a meeting. All of these things draw away from the depth of the water. 

In normal function, water is being added and taken away from the well of reciprocity and a homeostasis is established-a good working relationship exists. Things are overall going well with that person. That is no small feat when you consider this is one well for one person and your team is 10, 20, 50 people.

When we think about the moments water is withdrawn from the well, maybe that person didn’t  apologize for being short, or for cutting you off; the well of reciprocity is still deep and healthy. Your relationship can withstand these kinds of frustrating interactions. However, think about enduring times when water is constantly being drawn out of the well and eventually, it becomes difficult to work with that person. Imagine that bucket descending deeper and deeper into the well, and cracking onto the dry earth below. There is nothing left to support the fluidity needed to maintain trust, friendship, and collegiality. Soon, those small moments of frustration build and they don’t feel so small anymore.

Luckily, there are tools we can use to activate a solution. Tools can come in a variety of forms, and depend on your relationship to that person and the culture of your organization. The right tool might also depend on understanding the other relationships this person has at the organization, as well as yours.

Does your organization support the maintenance of a toolkit for employees to maintain their wells of reciprocity? What is the culture of your organization that actively promotes healthy team dynamics? If there isn’t a culture of supporting team dynamics at your organization, is there anything you can to start that kind of culture?

The COVID-19 pandemic and the economic uncertainty linked to it, and the racial uprising is straining. Wherever you fall on the spectrum of “handling” these hard times, we are all the same in this: that we may see one another, that we are sympathetic and empathetic. While the concept of the well of reciprocity likely won’t solve all of your organizational dynamic hardships, it can offer a valuable centering.