CFC Blog #157: The Road of Being Right

The Road of Being Right

This past week I think I might have learned the key to the success of my marriage, and to any relationship for that matter. And I’m not overstating that. Maybe for those of you who have been married for a long time, what I’m about to say might occur as somewhat obvious to you, but I’ve been married for about a year. So let’s just say, for me, this was nothing short of a huge revelation. I also felt that by acknowledging this lesson in a blog, I would be more likely to hold myself accountable to utilizing this lesson in the future.

Ok so… with that said. I had what was probably my worst argument with my spouse in all the years that I’ve known him. For context, we’ve been married for a year, been together for 3, have known each other for 13 and dated in college.

The argument resulted in not speaking for almost 7 days. And when I say not speaking, I mean not speaking to HIM. There was plenty of speaking on my end to other people - mainly complaining and trying to prove my case and how right I was. My sister Jaime was one of those lucky people.

But talking to her in the days leading up to our resolution, enabled me to properly process my thinking and vent - preventing me from “unloading” and re-stirring the pot in my next conversation with my hubby.

I was convinced that my conversation with him needed to be substantial and meaningful and that we needed to speak in person, without distractions (aka our one-year old), and in a different environment (one that would help us to remain calm). And I also knew that I had to do the mental preparation necessary to make sure I wouldn’t go down the “road of being right.” Which happens to be a very long, rocky, windy, non-scenic road that leads to a ditch.. but that I still somehow found VERY enticing.

It was enticing because, after all, I WAS RIGHT. I felt that I had ALL the evidence and that my CASE was bulletproof and very convincing.

But deep down, I knew that at the root of our argument, was a longing to “be heard” and to “be acknowledged.” I knew that behind the anger and upset… was sadness. For both of us.

So it took all the humility and vulnerability that I had inside of me to enter into our conversation with the intention of taking responsibility for what I knew I could have done differently. My ego reallyyyy didn’t WANT to do this at all. But it came down to realizing that my relationship with my husband was more important than being right and being strong.

So we walked into a restaurant to get lunch and talk. Turns out they could only seat us at the bar due to a private event. Now we were sitting side by side instead of on opposite ends of the table - perhaps it was meant to be.

I began the conversation by letting him know all the things I knew he has felt un-acknowledged and appreciated for. I told him that I noticed all the little things he does for me and Gigi and that I appreciate it more than he knows. I said that I realized that our fight was really a result of poor communication on my part about things I was struggling with but was too proud to say.

And long story short, in a matter of minutes, and a few sentences later we were both in tears and hugging each other. He said, “what you just said is everything to me. You have no idea how much I needed to hear that.”

It felt like this huge weight was lifted for both of us. We both felt heard - and like we were truly on the same team.

We stayed at the bar for a few hours just eating, drinking and talking about everything. And when I was falling asleep later that night I realized that if I had let my pride and arrogance get in the way, that conversation would have gone totally differently. And we probably would have ended up worse than where we started.

So, what was my big lesson? That no matter how right I think I am, by taking responsibility for whatever I can and apologizing wherever I can FIRST, I can set the tone for the entire conversation to be open, vulnerable and authentic. And it gives him the SPACE to say what he needs to say. And that acknowledging the good intentions and efforts of my husband is really all he ever wants and it makes me feel good to do in the process.

And the even bigger lesson is that I can choose to see our disagreements as opportunities for growth and for us to become more connected and more vulnerable. The disagreement is actually access to another level of understanding.

P.S. I also have to learn how to get better at this with my mother.